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No Longer A Thief

I’ve got a terrible feeling in my chest, it’s like a bird that won’t take a rest

I’m struggling to breathe, and I feel really sick

My head feels heavy and my heart like a brick

I don’t want to take things, but they say I’m a thief

I’ll be in prison if I keep on like this

I must be as bad as I think I am

Disgusting, unlovable, totally mad!

When I steal stuff, I get a great big high

It makes all the bad feelings appear to die

Not for long though as It’s worse when I’m done

I know I’m not worthy of being your son.

Like a scratch that I’ve got to itch, an urge that I can’t control

For a moment, a second, it makes me feel whole

I forget about everything else at the time

I just want it, I have it, even though it’s not mine.

I will take things I don’t even need

I lie and say “it wasn’t me” or find someone else to blame

At night I lay awake as waves of shame envelop my soul

To be a thief was never my goal.

Like a self-harmer who cuts their arm

A warm whooshy feeling and then some calm

A break from the bird that’s trapped in their chest

Unable to verbalise their internal mess.

It’s like driving a car without any brakes

A liar, a thief, he steals, he takes

My brain doesn’t tell me to STOP, it’s not mine!

That part of my brain just isn’t online

I need you to help me to calm the bird

To listen, to hold me and tell me you’ve heard

To find ways to comfort my aching heart

Lessen the pain that tears me apart.

Please can you gently rewire my brain

And find ways to reduce my toxic shame

To reassure me and let me know

You’re not giving up and you’re not letting go.

Remove the temptation and come alongside

Name the need that chooses to hide

Show me ways to put things right

To link cause and effect without a fight

As I begin to grow my brain you will eventually see a change

A beautiful lovely boy underneath

No longer unworthy, no longer a THIEF!

Written by Sarah Dillon (former child in care) from the child's perspective.

(C) Sarah Dillon

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